There is pain that your partner has caused. Sometimes your partner was consciously hurting you and their self. After many discussions you had about it, the feeling of distance or anger still comes to you and it is very difficult to forgive what has happened.
Sometimes your partner hurts you unconsciously. We choose our partners having some conscious and unconscious expectations. Most of them come from our past. We want our partner to give us something we didn’t have before, for example, being loved or feeling safe.
Being mindful and self-aware are a key to a fulfilling relationship.
Dynamics of relationships:
- Why ‘love’ is a useless word – three alternatives
- Why we pick difficult partners – short video
- What is transference and why it matters – short video
- Why we go cold on our partners – short video
- Transference – short video
- The challenge of being close – short video
- How your attachment style impacts your relationship – short video
Imagination and reality:
What can help?
- Humour in Relationships – short video
- Why our partners drive us mad – short video
- About affectionate teasing – short video
- On empathy – short video
- On blame – short video
- On compassion – recording
Good books to read:
- I highly recommend this book ‘Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for A Lifetime of Love and The Love Secret: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships’ by Dr. Sue Johnson, the originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.
- ‘Getting The Love You Want. A Guide for Couples’ by Harville Hendrix, the originator of Imago Relationship Therapy.
- That’s not what I meant!: how conversational style makes or breaks relationships, Tannen, Deborah, 2011
- Loving yourself loving another: the importance of self-esteem for successful relationship, Cole, Julia; Relate (Organization), 2001
- Relating skills: a practical guide to effective personal relationship, Nelson-Jones, Richard; Nelson-Jones, Richard, 1996
- The right to speak: working with the voice, Rodenburg, Patsy, 1992
- Codependent no more: how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself, Beattie, Melody, 1992
- Moving on: breaking up without breaking down, Hayman, Suzie, 2001
- The Relate guide to better relationships: practical ways to make your love last from the experts in marriage guidance, Litvinoff, Sarah; Relate
Sexuality in a couple needs to connect two areas of their lives: playfulness and responsibility.
Playfulness unlocks the child-like part in you when you feel connected, vulnerable but are also ready to engage and play. This further connects to the area of sexual fantasies that stimulate us. Sexual fantasies largely come from the internalised ‘emotional temperature’ of the family we grown up in and the quality of attachments we formed with our parents and siblings. It is not a secret that people who had secure attachments in their childhood enjoy sex more. Those with ambivalent or avoidant attachment past experiences may have sexual fantasies that may surprise or concern them. The challenge in this case is to try to understand our own sexuality and to avoid engaging in sexual excitement only without any attempt to connect emotionally.
Responsibility unlocks the potential of looking and caring after our own body and future life. Failure to do so may have a negative impact on our relationships and on our long term happiness.
Other useful links: